BBQ Cornnuts

If you want to play with your noodle, do it outside!

Usually, little boys aren't encouraged to play with their noodles outside or anywhere else where they might be seen.

However, in this case, my husband was talking about a swimming pool noodle. Those things are dangerous in the house.

You are learning to dance ballet with your father

Hey, one of my posts got some response. I am so happy.

It happens to be the topic my husband and I talk about the most – how we will punish our children when they are older. Right now, time out works for the 3 year old. You can’t really punish a 6 month old (what defines misbehaving for a baby? Refusing to be cute?)

If we catch my son drinking, we have a short list of some punishments:

1.       Yard work at 8 am (Got this one from my sister. She’d send the hungover teenager into the yard to work like a dog. This really worked when it was 85 and sunny).

2.       Ballet lessons with Dad. My husband doesn’t mind taking ballet. In fact, he took ballet in college, but for a different reason (he was trying to meet girls). I think he still has the shoes . My son would have to take group lessons with Dad.

3.       Family clogging lessons

4.       Ringing bells on PBS during the holidays

5.       Bocce in the park in front of the school  with the parents (Dad picks everyone’s outfits)

What the heck was Amy Sedaris wearing on the David Letterman show?

    If you didn't see it, you should google it. I'm sure it's on the internet somewhere. Someone must have captured it for posterity. It was a square-dancing, country fair, funnel cake abomination.

    By the way, if you have small children, you should really consider buying her book.

    A. It's hilarious

    B. It's got lots of kid-friendly recipes

    C. There are some activities that will help occupy small children (we made the salt map last week)

    D. She shares my fascination/horror of pantyhose. Not really a reason to buy the book, but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels that way about hose.

I don’t care how much you cry; I’m not letting you wear a potty on your head

Toilet rings are a phenomenal invention. You can plop one on any toilet and put a small child on it without worrying that he or she will fall in the toilet. Also, toilet rings eliminate the need for those little children’s potties. Those potties look super-cute sitting in the store, but there is one huge drawback—you can’t flush them.  You have to empty the potty yourself.  It’s disgusting. I won’t elaborate, but things splash and stick and it can take some effort to get the potty clean. You often see your child’s turds in excruciating detail.

So we were thrilled to discover the toilet ring because it put some distance between us and the excrement.  That is, until our son decided to put the ring on his head. I guess he thought it was a good look. My husband immediately took the toilet ring away. My son threw the fit of the century. He wanted his potty back and he wanted to wear it on his head. My husband said, firmly, “I don’t care how much you cry; I’m not letting you wear a potty on your head.". My son continued to throw a tantrum. I tried to explain that potties are for butts, not heads. He yelled "Potties are too for heads." Great. Another impasse with the three-year-old.

 

Good job, weenie!

This is not going to turn into one of those "My kid said something adorable" blogs. I couldn't resist this one. We are living through the hell that is potty-training our son. He doesn't 100% understand the concept, but he is three, so it's not like we're rushing him. Anyway, I have to remind him to finish peeing before he gets off the potty. Yesterday, I asked him if he was done and he replied "All done! Good job, weenie!"

Mommy very nearly peed herself laughing.

Knock it off or you’re taking square dancing lessons

I went to see Dave Barry, one of my personal heroes, speak on parenthood. He mentioned an incident in which he’d horrified his teenage son. “As parent,” Dave mentioned,  “One of your most potent weapons is the power to embarrass.” He went on to give examples of how he exercised this particular weapon.

This was probably the best parenting advice I’ve ever heard. Styles come in go, music changes, fashion evolves, but parents are always, ALWAYS, the biggest dorks on the planet as far as their children are concerned.

My husband and I have come up with a disciplinary strategy that relies on embarrassment as one of the key techniques. We  will punish our children through embarrassment and we’ve come up with several threats that incorporate embarrassment.

- Knock it off or you’re taking square dancing lessons

- If you mouth off again, you’re playing croquet in the park with your father. He’ll be wearing shorts, knee socks, and dress shoes.

- If you don’t behave, we’re going to the Sound of Music Sing Along as a family. And I’m videotaping it.

We theorize that this will be more effective than grounding or withholding allowances. My most horrific memories surround a pair of bright red knee socks that my dad used to wear when he was mad at me. He’d wear them with red and blue shorts. I can still see it vividly. Another time, he threatened that if I didn’t get my act together, he’d cover the car in bumper stickers. As a teenager, this was akin to a threat of execution, except that it was more likely to happen. Executions aren’t that common, but embarrassing parents are.

Find something soft to stab your sister with

My friend's husband said this. Before you judge him, keep in mind that sibling rivalry has probably been around since the beginning of time. I can easily picture one of the son of God’s siblings screaming “Tell Jesus to stop copying me.” It's unlikely that any of us will be the parents that solve sibling rivalry for good. With that in mind, your best bet is to minimize collateral damage.