BBQ Cornnuts

Breastfeeders who have gone too far

Breastfeeders who have gone too far are today's winner in Tracking the Crazies.  I’m really looking forward to getting some hate mail on this one from people who haven’t read this all this post all the way through. For the record, I’m not talking about breastfeeding in general. I’m familiar with the concept and I know that’s healthy, environmentally friendly, inexpensive and highly portable. Breastfeed away, that’s my motto. I really don’t care how or when you feed your children so long as you feed them as best you can.  In public, in private, little ones need to eat when and where they’re hungry. That’s not my issue.

My issue is Human cheese and other human dairy products. You may have heard a report out of New York that a prominent chef made cheese out of his wife’s breastmilk. Here’s a link to the article.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/nurse_made_JQlMRBr5ZgO6iD07AX83MJ

In my mind, there is no call whatsoever for making cheese out of human breastmilk. I’ve heard no rumors that we’re short on cheese. The world does not need to look to alternative sources. The critics who have had the nerve to try this cheese don’t rate it’s taste very well and frankly, it’s freaky. I do not want to think about anyone fermenting anything that has come out of my body.

The madness doesn’t stop there. You can make ice cream from breastmilk too.

http://www.bio.miami.edu/muscarella/mothersmilkicecream.html

Of course, if you can make cheese and ice cream, I suppose that sour cream, yogurt and butter cannot be far behind. A healthy, productive woman could seriously cut her family’s shopping budget if she were willing to invest the time, effort and pumping to the cause.

However, I do not know a single mother who needs more to do. I do not want people hooking up pumps to women to produce homemade dairy products. It has to stop. PETA is a big advocate for human dairies but the whole concept is a little too “Handmaiden’s Tale” for me and I think the entire movement should be stopped in its infancy.

Big Butter Jesus

Today’s winner in Tracking the Crazies is whoever decided to dedicate the time and resources to building this:

 

 

This is a 62 foot sculpture of Jesus that you can see off the highway in Monroe, Ohio. It’s north of Cincinnati on I-75 and would love to know how many people have crashed into the guardrail when they were surprised by this figure on the side of the road (especially at night when it's backlit). I have only seen a picture of it, but when my cousin Mary sent it to me, I snorted coffee out of my nose and couldn’t stop laughing for nearly half an hour. I had to leave my desk at work and walk around the building because I couldn’t keep my giggles to myself.

This statue cost $250,000 to build and it is currently undergoing a costly renovation. When I think about the cost, I can just imagine how much food, clothing and education that money could have gone towards and I wonder if it would have done more good than a giant statue. In my mind, there is an equal need in the world for taxidermy and giant statues of saviors of any variety. However, congregants of the church feel it sends a powerful message and is worth the investment.

Other people have trouble taking the statue seriously. Some think he looks like he’s made of butter (he isn’t). Lots of tourists drive by to give Jesus a high-five or stop to pose in other bizarre ways.

  

Some people think he looks like he looks like he’s doing a touchdown celebration.

 

Others worry he’s sinking. Some people think he's flipping pizza, reaching for the stars, jamming to a great song or holding up something heavy. There's not a lot of text on the internet from people who have been redeemed by this particular statue, but perhaps those people don't feel compelled to share their stories in this venue.

It probably won’t surprise you that the sculptor, James Lynch, create the large Neptune in Ceasar’s Palace in Las Vegas.

Big Butter Jesus very derivative of Vegas. I think he should be moved to the Bellagio by the fountains. When the fountains spray, the soundtrack from Jesus Christ Superstar could play.

The 62 foot sculpture of Jesus is in Monroe, Ohio, North of Cincinnati on I-75 and is highly worth a drive-by if you happen to be in the area. If you happen to drive by, think for a moment about the following statement:

"What else could they have done with $250,000?"  I'd like to hear your thoughts.

There is an excellent website that features some of the art inspired by the statue. I think the turkeys are my favorite but the pizzas are pretty awesome too.

http://jeeebus.wordpress.com/ 

Heywood Banks composed a little ditty about BBJ. It’s pretty inspiring. I’m sorry I haven’t seen him myself, but the next time I’m back east, I’ll be making a drive by with my camera.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gq01UYiMyHg

Scott Baio - Today in Tracking the Crazies

I never thought I'd be outing one of my childhood crushes as a complete whackjob, but here I go. Scott Baio has gone deliciously whackjob and he's got a Twitter account to prove it. I can't improve on Jezebel's timeline of his nervous breakdown or some of their reader's comments about his breakdown, but I can take a minute to share the joy with you.

Here's an overview for you:

• Scott Baio cannot be called a racist because his wife has a black friend.
• His wife called the writers at Jezebel "lesbian shitasses". Jezebel is not a lesbian website, nor is it a shitass website (you know someone somewhere has a fetish along those lines) but they are a smidge more liberal than Scott who falls somewhere to the right of Rush Limbaugh although he is somewhat less informed.
• Scott Baio payes his taxes so that lazy people can have homes, food and medical care. Go Scott!

Anyway, this post is more of an ad for Jezebel, who messed with him until he was forced to curse and use quotation marks indiscriminately on his Twitter account. It was awesome and makes for some very entertaining reading for us lesbian shitass fans.

http://jezebel.com/5520775/scott-baios-online-meltdown-a-complete-timeline?skyline=true&s=i

Bad Mommy

The dermatologist made me regress into some seriously childish behavior the other day, but I’m going to stand my ground and insist that he dug his own grave, so to speak. I didn’t go into his office intending to steal samples (although I probably would have snuck off with a couple) but he drove me to it since it was the only kind of revenge that was realistically available to me.

I made an appointment because my children are making my hair fall out and I needed to know what to do. I begged for the first appointment I could get, which wasn’t for a while because dermatologists are quite busy. Hair loss is stressful (I really do feel for men) and I desperately wanted to start whatever treatment I could as quickly as possible.

I had to bring my children with me for the following reasons:

· I can’t leave them in the house alone because they are 1 and 3 and can’t operate the remote control by themselves.

· I also can’t leave them in the car while I’m at the appointment because people tend to call the cops if you do this.

· My husband has a paying job (which I do not) and evidently they expect him to show up regularly so he can’t take time off every time I have an errand to do.

· If I hire a babysitter, it is going to cost me between $7 and $10 an hour, so with the copayment at the doctor’s office, it could easily cost me upwards of $40 to go to one doctor's appointment. As I mentioned before, I don’t have a paying job right now.

· I have family members but they have jobs and school and lives and aren’t always available to watch my children at my convenience.

It’s funny that I feel obligated to explain why I have to bring my children anywhere with me. They’re children – they are supposed to be with their parents some of the time. But, when you show up at a doctor’s appointment, a restaurant, or, honestly, just about anywhere with them, you will get subtle glares from the staff as if you brought an active case of the plague into the room.

I showed up on time with the children and I bought plenty of stuff to entertain them with so they were well-behaved in the waiting room. They didn’t yell, scream or run around like heathens. We were shown into a waiting room and they managed to keep it together for a good while longer. After about 20 (!) minutes of waiting, a nurse came in to tell me the doctor had decided to do a quick surgery (is there any such thing?) and it would be just a smidge longer.

I’m sure you’ve been there. My son, who was almost four at the time, kept it together pretty well. However, my daughter, who is 1.5 got bored and started to whine and start trouble. She really wanted to rummage through the doctor’s cabinets, but I didn’t let her. Finally, I gave her a granola bar which kept her busy for the extra 20 minutes it took for the doctor to show.

When the doctor finally arrived, he glared at the children, especially my daughter with the offending granola bar. He then turned to his nurse and said, “THAT,” pointing at a crumb “will need to be cleaned. I want all of that off the floor.”  I apologized profusely, of course, and indicated that I had every intention of cleaning it myself, but my little girl was bored and I was trying to distract her so that she wouldn’t wreck the exam room. The doctor gave me a cold look and proceeded with the exam. It made me wonder if he had children and if so, did his wife do all the work? Had he forgotten what a chore it is to manage them when they’re tiny? Did he remember how bored they get when a doctor keeps you waiting for nearly an hour after your appointment time?

Sigh. I hate feeling like a murderer for letting me children out in public. Of course, I cleaned up the crumbs my daughter left. I know the nurse didn’t go to college so she could clean up my daughter’s crumbs. I wouldn’t have fed her the damn thing if my appointment time was even close to honored. But, no, I had to sit there waiting because you can’t get an appointment time with a dermatologist in under six weeks.

However, I was not a hopeless victim. It was a dermatologists office. When I was packing up to leave, I saw the Aveeno samples and I helped myself very liberally to an entire box of them. I have to say I really like some of their new lotions and I’ve even given a few out to friends. If you come by soon, I may still have some left.

 

Whackboro (Westboro) Baptist Church

 

This church has the honor of being my first “Tracking the Crazies” post because they took time out of their busy and rewarding schedules to protest the deaths of WV miners with signs reading “Thank God for Dead Miners.” Many WV residents were introduced to Whackboro for the first time by these events and wondered “Who are these people and what on earth is the matter with them?” (This is a polite summary of the many comments I’ve seen). I’ll try to explain. I did some extensive research and found out some interesting things.

 

    Whackboro, under the helm of Pastor Fred Phelps, was incorporated as a nonprofit in 1967 and calls Topeka, Kansas home. They call themselves Old School Baptist but mainstream Baptist organizations aren’t claiming them.  Phelps was an attorney but was disbarred in 1979 by the Kansas Supreme Court. He founded Phelps Chartered, the family firm, which is now run by four of his children. The church itself has 40 members, made up mostly of some of Phelps’ children and their offspring. Nine of his thirteen children attend the church with their families and actively protest (small children are actively involved in protests, often carrying explicit signs).  Four of Phelps’ children are estranged from the family. Some have changed their names. Two of his sons have publicly alleged that Phelps is a child abuser and a cult leader.

    Phelps believes that homosexuality and society’s acceptance of homosexuality have doomed most of the world to eternal damnation. He believes that God will punish not only all homosexuals but individuals that are “fag-enablers”. The church protests events carrying attention-grabbing signs like “God hates fags”, “Thank God for 9/11”, “Thanks God for dead soldiers”, and crude, explicit drawings depicting homosexual sexual acts.  

They started acting up right around the time that Matthew Shepard was killed and have gotten busier everyday. Phelps interpreted the events of 9/11 to mean that God was angry at America for supporting the “fag agenda” and that the events of that day were a clear message. The ensuing wars were a further continuation of God’s rage against America and that every dead soldier is another clear message to us that our “fag-loving ways” must stop. So, he and his family protest and carry signs indicating that the chickens have come home to roost and we are being punished for allowing homosexuality.

Who do they protest? Well, it’s a wide open field. They started out protesting mainly funerals of people who died of AIDS, or who were victims of gay hate crimes. Then, they expanded to pop concerts, Kansas City Chiefs Games, plays, and celebrity funerals. Next, it was soldiers’ funerals, which turned out to be a wildly unpopular move and has led to some lawsuits, one of which is headed to the Supreme Court. They seem particularly attracted to events that have heavy media coverage and carry signs that seem almost designed to attract attention and violence. They actively file lawsuits against counter-protesters, anyone who incites violence and any police or court action that is involved with their protests.

Lately, Whackboro has really expanded their range and will basically show up to protest the opening of a drawer. Once, they picketed an appliance store. Were the appliances gay, you ask? No. Did the staff engage in homosexual sex in the display windows? No. The store sold Swedish vacuum cleaners. The church believes selling Swedish vacuum cleaners. Sweden prosecuted (but acquitted) a pastor named Ake Green, under a law against hate speech due to his speech against homosexuality. It is fortunate that there is no IKEA in Kansas.

Whackboro does not merely hate gays. Here’s a short list of other stuff they hate: Catholics, Jews, Muslims, America, Methodists, Presbyterians, Lutherans, Baptists, Episcopalians, Hindus, India, Italians, Mormons, Jerry Falwell, Lady Gaga, Elizabeth Taylor

What stuff do they like? Here’s the list: TBD.  (although Phelps once sent a charming letter to Saddam Hussein praising him for his admirable regime)

Phelps is approaching his twilight years. His daughter Shirley Phelps-Roper has lately become the more active face of the church. She twitters now. Her recent twitters include updates on protests and some gems like these (These are for real; I copied them right off of Twitter):

• “Want to get Aids? Then perhaps you should check out this event. http://www.millionfagmarch.com/ Gross.”
• “Another Dead Queer! Praise God!”  (This one had a link in it, which I left out in honor of the individual who has passed.)
• “Lady Gaga sick. Aids? Let's hope so. GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!”
• “Our dog Max was caught humping our dog, Todd. NOT IN THIS HOUSE!! We had him put to sleep.”

I’d comment on this but I can’t think of a single thing to say. The only thing I can think to do is link you to Shirley’s daughter, who has done a parody of Poker Face. Clearly, the light of Jesus is shining through this young lady’s eyes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEgxBOtAOIM

 

Tracking the Crazies

I am starting a new section of my blog that I am going to call “tracking the crazies”. In this section, I will be finding and monitoring the craziest people I can find. This is mainly for my entertainment, as well as yours. I am constantly falling in love with the fact that there are lots of brands of crazy out there and someone is always coming up with a new and creative way to be crazy.

I would welcome ideas for this section and will give credit if you pass a crazy my way. What I would like to do is assemble the greatest catalog of craziness that has ever existed.

I am anticipating that I’ll offend plenty of people this way, which I look forward to as well.

Some upcoming topics may include:

· Raising gender neutral children (not just a little neutral – COMPLETELY neutral. I’m talking about people who don’t even tell the kid what gender it is.)

· Various and sundry compounds (there are lots of them with lots of different themes)

· The Whackboro Baptist Church (I think I spelled their name right.)

· Raw food diets

· Conspiracy theorists of all sorts and sizes

· Rapture readiness groups

I’m sure I’ll think up more but I’m writing this now to make myself commit to the idea.

Those lucky, lucky kids

There’s an unexpected problem as a result of Jamie Oliver’s food revolution. There is a backlog of frozen gunk at the WV Cabell County schools, where the schools switched to a more healthy diet. They have boxes and boxes of chicken gristle nuggets, frozen eggs, French fries and frozen fruit cups. Plus they’ve got more pizza (including that nutrient-packed breakfast pizza) and chicken patties.  

The county is in a quandary. They have to use this food. It was donated, mostly by the USDA. The taxpayers have already spent money to have the donated food shipped and stored. According to USDA guidelines, the food can’t be given away. It doesn’t fit in with Jamie Oliver’s new healthy, fresh food menu, which the schools have been trying to implement, but the county can’t afford to waste all that food.

So, what are they supposed to do? Government regulations require them to use it. Cabell County isn’t overflowing with surplus money, so they can’t afford to waste all this food. This is an excellent example of how difficult it gets when you try to fix a broken bureaucracy. It looks like they’re going to sneak the pseudo-food in slowly so there will be a day of horror here and there instead of going off the wagon completely.

I would love to submit that food for testing to see if there is a single nutrient in any of it. I guess that's out of the question. I suppose inviting USDA workers over for a buffet dinner is also out of the question.

You can read the article here along with some very entertaining comments:

http://www.herald-dispatch.com/life/schools/x578670514/Cabell-has-stockpile-of-processed-food-to-use

Chicken gristle nuggets

Over on Jamie Oliver's website, some people are discussing how to make "healthy" chicken nuggets. I'm going to be looking into that.

http://www.jamieoliver.com/forum/viewtopic.php?id=56101

Also, if you're bored tonight (4-2-10), come over to Gawker TV and liveblog with me about Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. He's going to my former high school (gah!)

http://tv.gawker.com/5507293/live-jamie-olivers-food-revolution-episode-three#comments