BBQ Cornnuts

Sistas!

I told you I would watch Sister Wives on TLC and I wasn’t kidding. I recorded it and took vigorous notes. I love how TLC promoted as some cutesy, happy alternative lifestyle. You know that if it’s on TLC there is something nasty festering beneath the surface and all it needs is the hot glare of the camera lights to make it boil up.

For anyone that doesn’t know, Sister Wives is about a real life polygamous family in Utah. It’s a Big Love-style family, not a compound-style polygamy family, which means the women don’t have poofs and braids and they don’t wear pastel colored dresses. The women marry at the ripe old age of 19 instead of 14 and some even have jobs. They are a cleaned-up, presentable version of polygamy. However, do not confuse it with polyamory, as this is still a patriarchical family style. There is only one husband and he is clearly the head of the family. This is no modern hippie family where stereotypical gender roles are invisible.  

The show, available on demand and on TLC which is heavily promoting the show, starts off by introducing the patriarch, Kody.  I would be willing to share a man like Kody with three other wives. In fact, I would insist on it. One gets the feeling that Kody is not a man easily maintained. We also meet the three wives and their hoards of children.  Later, wife-to-be number four shows up.

The big question mark on this show is Janelle. Janelle doesn’t seem entirely sure how she ended up in this three-wife, soon to be four-wife marriage. She’s the only wife from a traditional family structure; the others were raised in polygamy. She enjoys some of the benefits of polygamy. It allows her to focus on her career, which, though never specified, sounds demanding. Her sister wives help with child care and with husband care. Janelle insists that her daughters get a college education before marriage which is not something I expect to hear from a polygamous wife. She mentions that she prefers to spend time outside of the house rather than in it. I get the feeling that one wild weekend in Vegas would turn Janelle into a completely different person.

Of all the wives, Janelle is easily the one you could picture having a drink with. I would really like to hear what she has to say after having a vodka tonic. I have a feeling Kody would not sound like the amazing man he envisions himself to be. The other two wives seem very mild-mannered and a bit beaten down. Perhaps that comes from being raised in polygamy or perhaps they just don’t shine on camera. I wouldn’t take them out for drinks because I’m afraid they’d just start weeping, which Meri, wife #1, already seems inclined to do without alcohol.

Things sound hunky dory at casa de Kody but it looks like things are going to be shaken up by a new wife. I don’t know, it sounds like there are enough people at that house to me. Census-wise, they are already giving the Duggars a run for their money. Are they trying to outdo local polygamists or are they going for some kind of title? Maybe that’s how they got the job on TLC, they aren’t passive polygamists; they are actively recruiting.

Do People Judge New Moms About Breastfeeding?

The other day, I read the cutest comment on the internet by a mom-to-be. Let’s call her Marge. Marge was worried that people would judge her based on her decision whether to breastfeed exclusively or not.

Boy did I roll on the floor laughing until my eyes bled.

Marge, you’re worried that people will judge you based on whether or not you breastfeed? Marge, you need to back the hell up and start all over because you have completely misconstrued the situation. You are worried about #80 on the list of 7,856,912 things people will judge you about as a parent.

Marge, are you just now catching on to the judgment vibe? Where the heck have you been your entire pregnancy? What about the pre-pregnancy phase? If you were any kind of mother, you would have started taking folic acid a minimum of 6 months before you started trying to conceive. You really should have started taking a prenatal vitamin and started eating organic. Were you reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Expect in the Expectant Future?” last year and purging your house of lead-based paint and cat dander? Did your husband switch from briefs to boxers and eat a raw food diet so that only the healthiest sperm got out of the gates?

If not, you’re probably already dealing with a sub-standard fetus. Well, you’re going to have to do the best you can with what you’ve got. Maybe there’s a chance that the child’s life hasn’t been completely mangled. Try not to screw up the rest of the pregnancy. Listen to only classical music and avoid processed meats but eat only processed cheese. No caffeine and drink organic teas but be careful what herbs are in the teas because some herbs can cause birth defects. If a sip of alcohol passes your lips, expect Child Protective Services to show up and demand the infant in the delivery room. Also, it goes without saying that no one in your area code should be allowed to smoke, fart, exhale, or drive a car that runs on diesel fuel. If you can follow these simple rules, your child may have a chance at getting in to community college, at least on a conditional basis.

Your child might have a shot if you don’t mangle the birth process. Marge, it’s important to understand that birth is a process. You don’t just have a baby. You have to plan. There are midwives and doctors to consult, birth plans to write, delivery environments to choose, birth philosophies to embrace and pain management techniques to absorb. But we can’t get into any of that yet because first and foremost, you have to enroll in a Pregnancy Yoga class.  When you’ve accomplished that, we will move to all the things you’ll be judged about during baby delivery and then, and only then, will we discuss how you’ll be judged during baby feeding.  We’ve got a long way to go, Marge.

What the heck is going on at Groupon?

Have you subscribed to Groupon, the online coupon group? You sign up and they email offers to you. The deals are pretty good. I got a great deal on carpet cleaning through Groupon. However, if you stop and read the text, it contains some of the strangest writing I've ever seen.

Here's the first one that caught my notice. It's a Denver area Groupon. It contains an odd analogy:

A marriage between two cuisines is preferable to a marriage between two clones of Sylvester Stallone, a process that eventually results in a baby reared on raw egg and meat punching bags.

WTF? It's an advertisement for a Denver restaurant that I think serves fusion cuisine. This is on the menu:

Mr. Croque, a sandwich of Black Forest ham and cambozola cheese with a champagne saucette ($9), puts taste buds on a first-name basis with pleasure, and samurai sea bass attacks hunger with preserved veggies, a miso-beurre blanc, and a rigid code of honor ($26).

"What exactly," inquired one of my online friends, "is pleasure's first name?" The ad never reveals it. I suppose you have to go to the restaurant to find out. My favorite analogy is further along in the ad:

An extensive menu of signature cocktails and a globally focused wine list give Japoix the libationary power of a team of mixologist Clydesdales.

Are horses working at the bar? Do horses have qualities that are desirable in a bartender? My husband wondered if, maybe, the copywriter was from another culture in which the compliment "Hey, that's a real horse of a bartender!" is common.

At first, I thought the restaurant had a random, weird copy editor. However, this morning, I opened my Groupon offer for a mainicure/pedicure and was greeted with this analogy:

Your feet have felt neglected ever since you started walking on your hands, and your hands have been jealous of your feet ever since you sold your fingers to pay for college.

In this case, why bother with the manicure? Further on, the ad reads

The luxury mani-pedi gets metacarpal and metatarsal teams looking their best before competing with rhinoceros horns and flamingo plumage in the World Keratin Showcase.

Okay, WHAT????? Will my toes look like horns? Is the nail polish flamingo-colored? I'm so confused.

I shared this with a few friends on Gawker and found out that it's not just Denver. "Lymed", from DC, sent me this gem from a Groupon Golf Course ad in DC. I tried to read it to my husband over the phone but started laughing so hard at the Keebler trees that I could not continue.

Gentle creeks and tributaries flow through the 7,077-yard championship layout at Old Hickory Golf Club, which is lined with oak, maple, and hickory, and conspicuously vacant Keebler trees. The Bull Run Golf Club meanders through pictorial meadows and woodlands. Regardless of the course, masterfully avoid stepping on cracks that break mothers' backs by rolling over them (mothers, that is) in the included golf cart.

The ad got off to a good start as well:

Golf, like professional wrestling, involves an inordinate amount of tossing chairs, wearing flashy costumes, and putting while a spandexed competitor has you in a sleeper hold.

Who are these people golfing with?  "A Piece of the Continent" sent in the following text from a Chicago Groupon for a science museum:

Science is one of the world’s most marginalized subjects, often bullied by math, disregarded by geography, and ridiculed by gym class.

I actually don't think that's true. I know for a fact that gym class isn't around any more and I believe the science majors are the only people with jobs these days. "Delta Sierra" posted an older one from Orange County, CA:

A grocery store is like a carnival midway-it offers shelves and shelves of goodies that only become available after lobbing baseballs at stacks of bottles.

That's not how I used to shop but I'm going to start immediately.

Clearly, the same person is writing all of the copy for Groupon because these are some of the weirdest analogies on earth. They are startling in their bizarre similarity. Do you think that alcohol is involved? I imagine it's a more mind-altering substance. I'd like to see more of these if anyone has them on hand. At first, I thought I'd write them and tell them to get a new writer, but now I'm getting sort of attached to these little gems. I wonder if they are actively trying to make them bad at this point.

Thanks to the awesome Gawker crosstalk posters who helped with the Groupon research: spikenard, lymed, A Piece of the Continent, Madfall, Nuclear Bore, Shady Esperanto, Bebe, Mother Gooch, Delta Sierra, tipsy_hausfrau, yearscomeandgo, naugahydeinplainsight, Daisy_Sage, lamey007

 

 

We'll find out if they read those forms

My son's preschool made us fill out numerous forms. It's not our fault we got bored.

 

More Crazy on TLC

Did you know that "TLC" used to stand for "The Learning Channel"? I think they dropped that pretense awhile back as no one is learning much of anything on that channel. It might as well stand for  "Total Loons and Crazies."

The latest addition to the crazy mix is "Sister Wives", a show about a polygamous family in (you guessed it), Utah with three and counting wives. I believe the show centers around the integration of the fourth wife. There are approximately 13 children involved. You can see the trailer here:

 

 

Well, way to make "19 Kids and Counting" look normal. I'm not even going to lie. I'm going to watch this. I really hope it lives up to the crazy it's promising. It premieres Sunday, September 26th on TLC.

Hella No!

I went shopping for the first time in like forever the other day. I saw something terrible. Just terrible.

I knew the leggings were back and that's one thing but there is no excuse for the stirrup pants. Now I know how my mom felt when I started slinking around in bell bottoms acting like I was the first person who had ever thought of them.

Stirrup pants are terrible. The stirrups wear out, the knees get all pointy and the crotch never fits anyone right. You either end up with pants up to your armpits or extra storage in the crotch area that you can't really use for anything. It's not like you can keep your wallet or your cellphone there. They're like cheap pantyhose.

There is a site call stirruppants.org. Is this some kind of support group for stirrup pants? I thought you had to be a nonprofit to qualify for a dot.org site. Anyway, you can link to all sorts of stirrup pant vendors and the blasphemy they are unleashing on humanity. Also, if you search for stirrup pants on the internet, you will get all kinds of hits. It's horribly depressing and it makes me weep for humanity. It also makes me want to call up Dinky and argue about whether Billy and Allison should give it one more try.

Why?

I thought you might enjoy looking at this picture and asking yourself a few questions:

 

• Who are these children?
• Does this qualify as child abuse?
• Is there any reasonable explanation for this picture?
• Do you think the children in this picture are still angry about this? 
• How glad are you that you are not in this picture?