BBQ Cornnuts

Tracking the Crazies - The Antichrist Revealed

 
Recently, I came across an important global issue while mindlessly trolling the internet. This proves that wasting time on the internet is never really a waste. I’ve been fairly wrapped up in my own menial concerns and have failed to keep tabs on the Antichrist. It’s one of my biggest flaws and it was actually my New Year’s resolution to keep a better eye out for the Antichrist. Up until now, I’d failed miserably, but I came across a Youtube video which lead to further research and I have an important revelation about Revelation:

Prince William is the Antichrist.

I know what you’re asking yourself. How the heck did I miss this? I felt stupid too. It’s easy to get mired down in your day to day life and I think most Americans are so overly patriotic that we assume that the antichrist will show up closer to home. I always thought he’d herald from Texas or California but that was just typical American arrogance.

If you google “Prince William antichrist” you will get more hits than you ever imagined. There are lots of Youtube videos and some detailed reports. I got lost in the middle of some of them but I’ve never claimed to be any kind of biblical scholar. It’s actually taken me days to sort through the research to understand why and how Prince William came to be the Antichrist. I’ll outline them for you briefly.

· Remember when they cloned Dolly the lamb? Well, you were tricked into believing that the lamb was the first clone. Actually, Prince William was the first clone. He was actually cloned from the Shroud of Turin.

· Since Prince William was cloned from the Shroud of Turin, he will have the same DNA as Jesus, whose DNA is on the Shroud of Turin. So, he’ll be able to claim that he’s Jesus reborn because the DNA will be an exact match. But, he won’t be because any clone of Jesus would be an abomination, and would therefore be the Antichrist.

· His family shield has all the harbringers of doom aka signs of the beast a la Revelation. I can’t make head or tails of Revelation but evidently it points clearly to Prince William’s family crest and you can read it for yourself at http://www.cephasministry.com/prophecy_royals_and_the_antichrist.html. I got a screeching headache after about three minutes so consider yourself warned.

There are other miscellaneous details that are convincing evidence in and of themselves. They include:

• He was born right after a solar eclipse on a summer solstice when the sun is most high
• The Lion King was released the week of his 12^th birthday. Some think the movie was made as a subtle and cunning tribute to him. His enemy Scar mocks Jesus, who has scars from the crucification. He was the same age when this movie came out as Jesus was when he preached in the temple.
• On March 6^th, 1996, Prince William showed the world that he and his two sons William and Charles, had been the first people to be voluntarily implanted with microchips (RFID) in their right hands. This is very beast-y (devil-like) behavior.
• He posed with a lamb in a picture, which is intended to mock the famous picture of Jesus with the lamb.

I think you’ll agree that taken individually, these facts are troubling, but taken as a whole, they all point unmistakably to the fact that Prince William is clearly the Antichrist and we should all be on vigilant alert. He’ll be turning 30 in 2012, which is the year that Jesus began his ministry, so it’s likely that the Antichrist will have a similar schedule. According the Antichrist experts, he is really going to start acting up in 2015, so you will want to start planning accordingly.

Here's the original video I found, in case you're interested:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwJ0PZMbu-w

Fruitarians - Tracking the Crazies

This one is for my cousin Mary. I was talking to her last night and we agreed that for every crazy idea you can dream up, there are a group of people that are adhering to it like it’s a religion. We agreed that, sadly, that’s probably true. I told her I’m going to try to dream up something insane and try to gather a following, like maybe a group that is dedicated to the mystical energy released by opening old envelopes or that headaches can be cured by rubbing dirt on your lower groin. I haven’t come up with anything good yet, but I’m just beginning the brainstorming process.

Anyway, I actually made Mary laugh while describing a group of people who only eat fruit based on the theory that fruit is “Mother’s milk” from the earth. If you eat seeded fruit then poop out the seeds, you are repopulating the fruit population. So, clearly, it’s a circle of life situation and so nature clearly intended for everyone to only eat fruit. It’s not that Mary thought I was making this up, but she found the idea very amusing. I think she was also surprised that this hasn’t turned up yet in our large, extended family because just about everything else has.

I didn’t make it up. Here’s the website where some of them gather http://www.fruitarian.com/ if you don’t believe me. You can waste quite a bit of time on this site if you’re bored at work. You might be surprised to learn that “fruit” includes sprouted seeds and nuts, which is a darned good thing, because otherwise I think you’d pass out from hunger on this diet. Fruitarians only eat raw food on the theory that it is living food and therefore has special powers to heal you and make you more complete and happy. Much like other raw foodists (there are others that embrace the vegetable family and some that even eat raw meat GAH), they believe that cooking food destroys important enzymes.

Here’s a quote from the website (I really can’t put this any better) “the fruitarian participate in the nature way of propagating life, spreading the seeds of fruits (we co-operate with the reproduction of new trees and new fruit) and living without killing any form of life which happens when eating vegetables (you have to plant them again).”

Isn’t this awesome? I am dying to know how much time and energy goes into preparing the average fruitarian meal. Next, I start to wonder about the cost, especially in the winter time. I’m a firm believer in eating more fruits and vegetables (even though vegetables are murder according to this theory) and I think most people could stand to eat more produce. However, I don’t think planning your diet should take upwards of 50% of your time or your budget and I have trouble picturing how you’d manage this diet efficiently.

There are some critics of fruitarians out there. Some are former fruitarians. One wrote that many fruitarians become obsessed with their diets and bowel movements and often become socially isolated. I have hunch that discussing diets and bowel movements are related to the social isolation. Other people experience intense cravings and go on non-fruit binges. It’s not hard to see how that happens either. My criticism is that this diet sounds awfully religious and that anytime your diet becomes a religion or obsession, you are probably barking up the wrong tree. There are some excellent explanations and critiques of this and other extreme diets at this site http://www.beyondveg.com/cat/fruit-dreams/index.shtml if you want to learn more.

 

Breastfeeders who have gone too far

Breastfeeders who have gone too far are today's winner in Tracking the Crazies.  I’m really looking forward to getting some hate mail on this one from people who haven’t read this all this post all the way through. For the record, I’m not talking about breastfeeding in general. I’m familiar with the concept and I know that’s healthy, environmentally friendly, inexpensive and highly portable. Breastfeed away, that’s my motto. I really don’t care how or when you feed your children so long as you feed them as best you can.  In public, in private, little ones need to eat when and where they’re hungry. That’s not my issue.

My issue is Human cheese and other human dairy products. You may have heard a report out of New York that a prominent chef made cheese out of his wife’s breastmilk. Here’s a link to the article.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/nurse_made_JQlMRBr5ZgO6iD07AX83MJ

In my mind, there is no call whatsoever for making cheese out of human breastmilk. I’ve heard no rumors that we’re short on cheese. The world does not need to look to alternative sources. The critics who have had the nerve to try this cheese don’t rate it’s taste very well and frankly, it’s freaky. I do not want to think about anyone fermenting anything that has come out of my body.

The madness doesn’t stop there. You can make ice cream from breastmilk too.

http://www.bio.miami.edu/muscarella/mothersmilkicecream.html

Of course, if you can make cheese and ice cream, I suppose that sour cream, yogurt and butter cannot be far behind. A healthy, productive woman could seriously cut her family’s shopping budget if she were willing to invest the time, effort and pumping to the cause.

However, I do not know a single mother who needs more to do. I do not want people hooking up pumps to women to produce homemade dairy products. It has to stop. PETA is a big advocate for human dairies but the whole concept is a little too “Handmaiden’s Tale” for me and I think the entire movement should be stopped in its infancy.

Big Butter Jesus

Today’s winner in Tracking the Crazies is whoever decided to dedicate the time and resources to building this:

 

 

This is a 62 foot sculpture of Jesus that you can see off the highway in Monroe, Ohio. It’s north of Cincinnati on I-75 and would love to know how many people have crashed into the guardrail when they were surprised by this figure on the side of the road (especially at night when it's backlit). I have only seen a picture of it, but when my cousin Mary sent it to me, I snorted coffee out of my nose and couldn’t stop laughing for nearly half an hour. I had to leave my desk at work and walk around the building because I couldn’t keep my giggles to myself.

This statue cost $250,000 to build and it is currently undergoing a costly renovation. When I think about the cost, I can just imagine how much food, clothing and education that money could have gone towards and I wonder if it would have done more good than a giant statue. In my mind, there is an equal need in the world for taxidermy and giant statues of saviors of any variety. However, congregants of the church feel it sends a powerful message and is worth the investment.

Other people have trouble taking the statue seriously. Some think he looks like he’s made of butter (he isn’t). Lots of tourists drive by to give Jesus a high-five or stop to pose in other bizarre ways.

  

Some people think he looks like he looks like he’s doing a touchdown celebration.

 

Others worry he’s sinking. Some people think he's flipping pizza, reaching for the stars, jamming to a great song or holding up something heavy. There's not a lot of text on the internet from people who have been redeemed by this particular statue, but perhaps those people don't feel compelled to share their stories in this venue.

It probably won’t surprise you that the sculptor, James Lynch, create the large Neptune in Ceasar’s Palace in Las Vegas.

Big Butter Jesus very derivative of Vegas. I think he should be moved to the Bellagio by the fountains. When the fountains spray, the soundtrack from Jesus Christ Superstar could play.

The 62 foot sculpture of Jesus is in Monroe, Ohio, North of Cincinnati on I-75 and is highly worth a drive-by if you happen to be in the area. If you happen to drive by, think for a moment about the following statement:

"What else could they have done with $250,000?"  I'd like to hear your thoughts.

There is an excellent website that features some of the art inspired by the statue. I think the turkeys are my favorite but the pizzas are pretty awesome too.

http://jeeebus.wordpress.com/ 

Heywood Banks composed a little ditty about BBJ. It’s pretty inspiring. I’m sorry I haven’t seen him myself, but the next time I’m back east, I’ll be making a drive by with my camera.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gq01UYiMyHg

Scott Baio - Today in Tracking the Crazies

I never thought I'd be outing one of my childhood crushes as a complete whackjob, but here I go. Scott Baio has gone deliciously whackjob and he's got a Twitter account to prove it. I can't improve on Jezebel's timeline of his nervous breakdown or some of their reader's comments about his breakdown, but I can take a minute to share the joy with you.

Here's an overview for you:

• Scott Baio cannot be called a racist because his wife has a black friend.
• His wife called the writers at Jezebel "lesbian shitasses". Jezebel is not a lesbian website, nor is it a shitass website (you know someone somewhere has a fetish along those lines) but they are a smidge more liberal than Scott who falls somewhere to the right of Rush Limbaugh although he is somewhat less informed.
• Scott Baio payes his taxes so that lazy people can have homes, food and medical care. Go Scott!

Anyway, this post is more of an ad for Jezebel, who messed with him until he was forced to curse and use quotation marks indiscriminately on his Twitter account. It was awesome and makes for some very entertaining reading for us lesbian shitass fans.

http://jezebel.com/5520775/scott-baios-online-meltdown-a-complete-timeline?skyline=true&s=i

Whackboro (Westboro) Baptist Church

 

This church has the honor of being my first “Tracking the Crazies” post because they took time out of their busy and rewarding schedules to protest the deaths of WV miners with signs reading “Thank God for Dead Miners.” Many WV residents were introduced to Whackboro for the first time by these events and wondered “Who are these people and what on earth is the matter with them?” (This is a polite summary of the many comments I’ve seen). I’ll try to explain. I did some extensive research and found out some interesting things.

 

    Whackboro, under the helm of Pastor Fred Phelps, was incorporated as a nonprofit in 1967 and calls Topeka, Kansas home. They call themselves Old School Baptist but mainstream Baptist organizations aren’t claiming them.  Phelps was an attorney but was disbarred in 1979 by the Kansas Supreme Court. He founded Phelps Chartered, the family firm, which is now run by four of his children. The church itself has 40 members, made up mostly of some of Phelps’ children and their offspring. Nine of his thirteen children attend the church with their families and actively protest (small children are actively involved in protests, often carrying explicit signs).  Four of Phelps’ children are estranged from the family. Some have changed their names. Two of his sons have publicly alleged that Phelps is a child abuser and a cult leader.

    Phelps believes that homosexuality and society’s acceptance of homosexuality have doomed most of the world to eternal damnation. He believes that God will punish not only all homosexuals but individuals that are “fag-enablers”. The church protests events carrying attention-grabbing signs like “God hates fags”, “Thank God for 9/11”, “Thanks God for dead soldiers”, and crude, explicit drawings depicting homosexual sexual acts.  

They started acting up right around the time that Matthew Shepard was killed and have gotten busier everyday. Phelps interpreted the events of 9/11 to mean that God was angry at America for supporting the “fag agenda” and that the events of that day were a clear message. The ensuing wars were a further continuation of God’s rage against America and that every dead soldier is another clear message to us that our “fag-loving ways” must stop. So, he and his family protest and carry signs indicating that the chickens have come home to roost and we are being punished for allowing homosexuality.

Who do they protest? Well, it’s a wide open field. They started out protesting mainly funerals of people who died of AIDS, or who were victims of gay hate crimes. Then, they expanded to pop concerts, Kansas City Chiefs Games, plays, and celebrity funerals. Next, it was soldiers’ funerals, which turned out to be a wildly unpopular move and has led to some lawsuits, one of which is headed to the Supreme Court. They seem particularly attracted to events that have heavy media coverage and carry signs that seem almost designed to attract attention and violence. They actively file lawsuits against counter-protesters, anyone who incites violence and any police or court action that is involved with their protests.

Lately, Whackboro has really expanded their range and will basically show up to protest the opening of a drawer. Once, they picketed an appliance store. Were the appliances gay, you ask? No. Did the staff engage in homosexual sex in the display windows? No. The store sold Swedish vacuum cleaners. The church believes selling Swedish vacuum cleaners. Sweden prosecuted (but acquitted) a pastor named Ake Green, under a law against hate speech due to his speech against homosexuality. It is fortunate that there is no IKEA in Kansas.

Whackboro does not merely hate gays. Here’s a short list of other stuff they hate: Catholics, Jews, Muslims, America, Methodists, Presbyterians, Lutherans, Baptists, Episcopalians, Hindus, India, Italians, Mormons, Jerry Falwell, Lady Gaga, Elizabeth Taylor

What stuff do they like? Here’s the list: TBD.  (although Phelps once sent a charming letter to Saddam Hussein praising him for his admirable regime)

Phelps is approaching his twilight years. His daughter Shirley Phelps-Roper has lately become the more active face of the church. She twitters now. Her recent twitters include updates on protests and some gems like these (These are for real; I copied them right off of Twitter):

• “Want to get Aids? Then perhaps you should check out this event. http://www.millionfagmarch.com/ Gross.”
• “Another Dead Queer! Praise God!”  (This one had a link in it, which I left out in honor of the individual who has passed.)
• “Lady Gaga sick. Aids? Let's hope so. GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!”
• “Our dog Max was caught humping our dog, Todd. NOT IN THIS HOUSE!! We had him put to sleep.”

I’d comment on this but I can’t think of a single thing to say. The only thing I can think to do is link you to Shirley’s daughter, who has done a parody of Poker Face. Clearly, the light of Jesus is shining through this young lady’s eyes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEgxBOtAOIM